| tee hee... |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|11:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | air conditioner | ] |
TEKNIVAL!!! starting friday after charlie and the chocolate factory which i cant wait to see, i double my medication tonite, its working exactly as planned.
my life couldnt be better, i got my cell phone charger back so i now have all my phone numbers back, i also finally got my muse back, all i needed was a bit of advice from friends that care about me, go figure, either way, im happy and thats the main thing, there is no stress in my life anymore, i dont do drugs anymore, i dont even smoke weed, hehehehe, this medication is apparently going to make me fat, ya right...
well see.
i think im going to start drawing again, or maybe painting, it sounds like a good idea to me, after i play with that for a while i think i might get back into website design and graphic design, but who knows, my daughter is so cute, shes getting older, but so am i, hehe.
the johnny depathon has turned into a johnny depapalooza and is still just as much fun as it was when i started...
i picked up virgin suicides, very good movie for samples, that and the ring.
other than that, i couldnt be happier with my life. |
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| hmmm... |
[Jul. 12th, 2005|12:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | laundry.. | ] |
got my medication, finally, its working pretty well, i feel alot better now that im feeling normal, i think my life is going to finally be on the right track.
in other news!
the johnny deppathon has started, unfortunately i missed day 1, but i think ill make it to day 2, i only missed benny and june to my knowledge, im not sure, i have to find out, but other than that, hehehe,,,
me and alicia have become really good friends, that makes me really happy, also... me and alysia have also become really good friends, that makes me REALLY happy, shes a great person.
i think i might start going to church... i havnt hooked my computer up yet, i will soon enough though, i just havnt found the need to do it yet, ive got too much to do with finding a job and bettering my life, speaking of which, I LOVE MY LIFE SO FAR, its so different now than im taking this medication, ive found that alot of my friends have taken this medication and had very good results, this is a good reason to keep taking it.
teknoval is coming up soon, and i plan to go to it, well, i want to go since i got 4 of my friends to play the party so im going to go and thats that...
well, thats all the news i suppose, i think i covered everything... ya....
see ya/ |
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| White Flag |
[Jul. 2nd, 2005|07:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | touched | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dido | ] |
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be |
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| remember this? still applies. |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|03:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | messenger beeps | ] |
Vanessa,
I love you more than you could ever imagine, you make me feel wanted, loved, cared about, I think of you day in and day out impatiently waiting to hear your voice or see your beautiful face, You mean more than the world to me, your my every reason for happyness, you are my inspiration, my muse.
I cant even put to words how much I love you and cherish you, your smile, your eyes, your body, your curves, the way you look at me, how you talk to me, i fall in love with you again and again each and every time I see you, you become more and more attractive each day, physically and mentally stimulating, I know I sound like a geek but I just wanted you to know how I feel about you. |
|
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| remember this |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|02:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | blankness of day | ] |
Dj Boh System Sound Bar Crazy Month Congo ,Inspectah Deck, Subfocus,Nu- Tone Boh Boh (R.I.P) (Jer-2005) (A.D-2005) says:
i want to leave u what some send me today
d(o.0)b < im a word bubble ) says:
huh?
Dj Boh System Sound Bar Crazy Month Congo ,Inspectah Deck, Subfocus,Nu- Tone Boh Boh (R.I.P) (Jer-2005) (A.D-2005) says:
everysituation is different. i ran away from the love of my life for 3 years before i realized that she was the one... she went on with her life but never lost sight of what she knew (that we would eventually be together). and now i cannot imagine my life without her.
do what you know in your soul is true, but do not hinder anyone from growing in the process.
Dj Boh System Sound Bar Crazy Month Congo ,Inspectah Deck, Subfocus,Nu- Tone Boh Boh (R.I.P) (Jer-2005) (A.D-2005) says:
see three years later read that just don't do anything faith takes are path of what is right not people |
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| tomorrow is the big day |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|02:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | madonna - my babys got a secret | ] |
so tomorrow i go to my doctors, im getting the medication i need to make myself normal, im so tired of being different, i would rather just fit in, life is easier that way, im going to tell my doctor everything, its the smart thing to do, and i know hes going to perscribe me some sort of anti-psycotic, im just not shure which, i hope it dosnt make me sleep all the time, i hate sleeping, but i might learn to enjoy it, who knows.
i had 3 really weird dreams last night, all tied together somehow. one was in short about me going to get somthing and successfully loosing it, second one was doing somthing for someone else and fucking it up, 3rd one was getting what i want and loosing it completely. i think theres a pattern.
ive decided that the only way ill stop treating people badly is if i just hang out with them 1 on 1 as is, once i start taking pills ill be fine i hope but until then i know me around a group of people wont work out.
my last dream was most memorable.
so i went to sleep and woke up in my dream, when i woke up i got a phone call, it was vanessa, she wanted me to drive wylie to school, i said ok, i was driving a boat of a car, so i get to her house, shes not too happy to see me, neither is her little brother, we get to the school, when we get there i drop him off at his class, and somehow im him, i dont like the class at all, the teacher is driving me insain, then i get a note that i have to go to the anger management room, so i start walking there, when i get there i see me waiting and realize that im wylie, then im me, i walk in with wylie and realize that the note is for me, theres somone else waiting there, i ask him what im doing there, hes breathing heavily and tries to say somthing but hes too pissed off to make a sentance, so i walk out and look at the sign, its now called the frustration room, im wylie again, so i go in and start to talk to one of the councellors, all they successfully do is piss me off, i get frustrated and leave, me and wylie and vanessa meet up outside the room and decide its time to go home, when we get in the car me and wylie keep switching up as drivers, its uncontrollable, i keep getting out of the back and into the front and end up in the back again somehow, i guess im just a back seat driver, finally we just get out of the car after alot of frustration, were waiting for the bus and i look at vanessa who is very mad at me because of all of this, i tell her im very very sorry. i know why im sorry but i cant explain it to her, she looks at me and gives me a hug that brings back a ton of memories, we both start to cry uncontrollably, i dont know what to say to her, wylie walks over and tries to break it up, i tell her that it was not her fault and i wake up.
i hate sleeping, i dont have good dreams anymore.; |
|
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| god i miss her. |
[Jun. 8th, 2005|04:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | construction | ] |
im never going to get over her, ive tried, i know ive tried, i just cant stop thinking about her, i just sit around waiting for her to call or maybe post in her journal or something, when i go out im constantly looking around trying to see if i see her out of pure luck, i miss her, more than i can explain, i wish i never did what i did, i wish i could take it all back, but it happened, i am truely sorry, i just wish that was good enough for her, i wish i knew what would make it up to her, i dont want to loose her, she means so much to me.
fuck, i wish i could let go like she has, im so envious, how can she just forget about me that easily? i cant do it, i just cant.
vanessa. i will never forget you, you will always be part of me. |
|
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| isolation |
[Jun. 6th, 2005|06:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Reason 3 | ] |
ive decided that im going to be spending alot of time with my bedroom, i dont really want to go out anymore, i dont want to socalize, the only person i care to talk to is vanessa.
so its getting worse, the paranoia, the halucinations.
im starting to imagine my friends talking behind my back literally, or doing stupid things to me when im not looking,
i always see these things in the corner of my eye, or hear them talking in the faint distance,
it dosnt make much sence to me why i would be feeling this way, but i really dont like it.
i just want to get everything settled with me, i want my head to work right, i cant wait till i get what i need.
i finally talked to her, we spent the day together pretty much, but i dont think she was too happy about that, i dont really think she wanted to be around me, i can understand, if someone did something like that to me it would be very hard to act civil.
im still completely in love with her, shes so sexy-smart.
it was hard to hold back when i saw her, i wanted to hold her and kiss her and comfort her, i want to make it up to her. i just dont know where to start.
personally, im very happy i finally got to explain myself, i feel like theres some kind of closure, god i miss her, but i cant have her back, i have to deal with that, i screwed up, but either way, were going to remain friends, and thats perfect for me, she was my best friend, and hopefully after time shell be my best friend again.
end. |
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| so hard... |
[Jun. 2nd, 2005|11:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sheet One | ] |
to accept that ill never have her again is going to be the hardest thing ill ever have to do, i wish i could make it up to her, i wish i could.... but there is no way i can. i know i really hurt her, i just wish i knew why.
im such an idiot, i never deserved her, i never will, and ill never have her again.
i miss cuddlin with her while watching a movie or watchin tv or listening to music or just cuddlin for the sake of it, i miss the deep conversations we used to have, i miss the connection we shared, i miss everything, i miss her, i miss her so much it hurts, its actual physical pain.
she is so amazing, everything about her, her smile, her sence of humor, her charm, her style, shes an amazing artist and writer, shes beautiful, breathtaking, gorgeous, sexy, everything i want in a woman, i miss her so much. so much...
i cant believe i hurt her the way i did, what was i thinking, gawd im an idiot, she loved me. she loved ME. and now she hates me. ive hurt her so much, i know i have and i didnt even realize till it was too late, i wish i could make it up to her.
im running in circles, when is all of this going to end, when will i get over her? it seems to be impossible, i dream about her every night, i think about her all the time, always trying to figure out a way to make it up to her, to show her that im truely sorry, i wish it was possible, but shell never believe a word i say from now on, i screwed up, and bad.
i was going through my box of old stuff and memories and found a card she gave me a while ago.
HEY GEEK!
I love you!
ack & alas - how i loathe med. point pens. Everything should be fine tipped. So ya. You seemed to have dissapeared. No one wants to talk to me about nonsense. They all want to discuss serious & pressing issues. Fuckers. So I write letter chock full of nonsence, whimsy, and vitamin ink I write like a boy.
When was the last time you used hand writing?
I had a samwitch today. It was good, but now I have indigestion. Or am I in love?
12:04 AM
ALRIGHTY
Now you are at Rad's, I am bored, oh well, I think youll be home around 4 am. I really wish I had gone with you, oh well
12:30 AM
Reading books is somehow impossible. Perhaps I need new books.
Pornography is *FUN*
Actually - it isnt. Its just a *FUN* word to say. Like anthrapormorphic, obviously, perogative, pergatory, unfortunatly, gonads, cathartic, gregarious, and serandipity, so *FUN*. Words are addictive. Every one has something they are addicted to. I have a whole list. (see bottom)
Keep this note forever. Now that im not in high school, writing shit down has become *FUN* I like to include amusing illistrations in mine ~anythebooze~ I wonder about you sometimes. Like, what do you think about when you are on a computer? I dunno
VANESSA'S ADDICTIONS
01: kitties
02: words
03: chemical drugs
04: morbid things
05: roman dirge
06: shayne jackson
07: smoking
08: self loathing
09: food
10: muzac
11: writing notes
12: drawing
13: art (i love art history)
14: history
15: thinking
16: the sims
17: control
18: anger
19: movies
20: sleeping
21: sigmund freud - who would have some interesting things to say if this was a stream of conscousness thinger
22: tatoos
23: showers
24: freezies
25: shopping
26: sex with shayne
27: important events (birthdays, anniversaries, hollidays)
The funny thing about dating you is that I am not worried about the distant future, I worry about the next 3 weeks.
I seem to have a fascination with the #3
I think I ate a bug once, but I dont remember what it tasted like. The concept of it is revolting.
What to say that you dont already know...
I think I am a 2D person.
Oh NOOO!
OK.
So Im bored of this whole note writing thing, It is now only 1:50 AM Holy Fuck.
I miss you.
Sometimes even though you are home I wonder where you are in your mind. And you wonder why I am such a horn dog. Its because thats the only time when I feel like you are on the same wave legnth as me, anymore. Just because you feel it, doesnt mean its there.
I love you
Vanessa. |
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| vanessa |
[Jun. 1st, 2005|06:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | guilty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | complete guilt inside | ] |
i am so truely deeply sorry, what i did has no excuse at all
i know i have trust issues, and i will seek help, you are right
if i could turn back time i would have never done what i did to you
it wasnt worth loosing you in the least, i feel like such an idiot i really dont know what got into me,
after you got your new job i went against everything i stood for, i completely contradicted myself in every way possible, and it was the biggest most foolish mistake i have ever made, you never deserved to be treated the way i treated you, NEVER.
i want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy. i want you to have a good life, and if that means i have to stay away from you than that is what i will do, i just dont want you to dwell on it.
please please please believe me when i tell you i am sincerely sorry for what i did, i never meant to hurt you the way i did, i didnt want to hurt you, thats why i didnt want to tell you, but i couldnt keep something like that from you, it wasnt fair what i did,
i know i will never be able to make it up to you but please let me try, you will always be the best and most important girlfriend i have ever had, i have learned more from you than anyone about everything. i do love you and that will always be. i just wish that all of this never happened, i am so sorry, i truely am. |
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| cleaning |
[May. 27th, 2005|05:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | muffled bass of the ment. | ] |
picking up the crap on your floor does a number for the quality of air in your dwellingplace at some points in the summer, or so im told///
do this you mean.. ok i guess. so i get out of bed and then....
start over
so i wake up, but before that...
so i went to sleep.
ok ok ok ok ok... .i dont remember that part, but what i do remember is
I WAS SLEEPING!!!!
and when i woke up, i was AWAKE!
i was so AWAKE i wanted to CLEAN!! and i did!
can you believe it?!?! i can. you know why?
because I STARTED TO CLEAN!
and before long i remembered that my brain was still sitting on the bed, when i put it back in everything became clear....
i was still sleeping.
but that wasnt the half of it, thurr was a song in place o' dat derr headspace.. when i woke up i couldnt get it out thanks to me placing my brain on top of it, i should have moved it but its harder than it sounds when you have no brain...
s'all good though, i started to get it out slowly, soon enough it will all be transfered to a digital document. le-lol //
am i really on the same topic? only i know forsure, and if i told you like i already did than it would make sence, and since i havnt already not done that who can judge?
me you say? not at all, i cant read your thoughts, but you cant not read mine either other than this. .hehehe
.:.c.o.n.n.e.c.t.i.n.g.:.
login: 1pse
password: ********
awaiting acceptance..........
~click~ |
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| day 1 |
[May. 27th, 2005|04:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | akbar in the earpiece | ] |
I WILL QUIT SMOKING PT.2
so i woke up without the need for a ciggarette, that is until i got out of bed..
either way, i am going to quit smoking, it will happen you will see\
i like smoking weed though, hehehe
my computer has been off the past day, ive got a monitor designed for a unix system so if i want to power up my mac i have to first power it up with my other monitor and then switch it to my main display.
problem 1
i lent my boot monitor to my frined, still waiting for it back,
so i had to call my other friend up and borrow a monitor off of her so i could get my mac back on / HURRAY+1
its now online and working, i can now sleep happily,
i dont know how to tell her. i dont know if i should, i dont know what to say, i dont know if i would.
can i pour my heart out? i dont think that its good an idea of any< "pulls out a plank of wood and starts beating his head"
why am i so dumb, one day ill realize and wake up.
ENOUGH! |
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| possibly maybe |
[May. 26th, 2005|04:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | spunner_fluff on the phone | ] |
i will quit smoking!!!
and thats why i woke up in such a good mood today, its supprising how things can make you feel.
so i have decided that i can not live this way, i need to have her in my life, but i dont have to have her with me, she can just be a friend
i now see where shes coming from and all it took was a few friends and alot of booze to set me straight, ive decided that i will talk to her about this, im just not sure how or what i plan to say to her, i do want a friendship, and badly.
mmmmmm.... baked goods:
so i drank vanilla coke with absolut vanillia yesterday, and quite a large amount of it, it has that warm fuzzy taste of freshly baked cookies, ive never had a drink so good, it has now become my personal favorite.
I LOVE YOU SISTER OF MINE!!!
but no drinking solves nothing |
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| the best and worst. |
[May. 25th, 2005|11:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bob marley in the distant background | ] |
have i ever done that before? i think not.
the most amazing sex ive ever had, but then again, the most amazing sex ill ever have...
i miss her so much and its only been a day, is this possible? am i just an idiot for doing what i did? was i right or wrong to push away the only thing that made me happy just so i would be happy for a short moment? who knows the answer to the questions anyway? obviously not me.
i lay in bed and try to forget her unsuccessfully, i want to tell her how much i love her, how much i miss her, how much i messed up by giving her up, i want to tell her, but i cant, it would do nothing, she has no feelings for me anymore, its gone.
from now on, im not getting into a meaningful relationship, i will live my life for me, trying to live for someone else always ends badly. you cant devote yourself to someone without getting seriously hurt in the end, i have recently realized this.
who would think that drinking your problems away wouldnt work, stupid head that dosnt stop thinking, why was i cursed with this thing? what did i do? there should be a way to fix me, but alas there probably is not.
i love you, i love you, i love you so much
dont run away, let me buy you lunch
ill take your problems from you and make it all better
these are the words i long to hear from her
but unfortunately they never come, and never will
im stuck in this hell without her, without her...
will i ever love again? no. i dont think it possible
no one can ever give me what she had to offer, and no one will ever compair, she was my all, my other half, and now im just half a person pretending to be full, secretly trying to find my whole, it will never happen, ill be depressed and unhappy and one day, ill try again and loose. why am i such a fool for this stupid substance called love?
my keyboard clicks uncontrollably as my heart is pored out on this page, how will i ever find her again? im getting past the age of being happy ever after. slowly growing up, slowly slowing down, and then speeding up all over again, when will it all end? hopefully soon.
i love you, more than youll ever know, dont forget that please. |
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| make it better |
[May. 23rd, 2005|03:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | distant clicks of the keyboard | ] |
and i wish that this was possible, but i doubt... think... know... when will it all be clear? do you know the color of pain? its a light tinge of green with an overwhelming amount of purple.
thats why i dont have the curage or willpower to stay away, i want the pain if it means i get my love back, i dont care, if this is how life is without her, i would rather be with her even if it means only an hour or 2 a week, dont tell me im an idiot because i already know these things, i want to be told im doing the right thing but i know that will never happen.
and one day it will be clear, i will have what im looking for, i will find her, she will be exactly how i remembered her then, and i will still be human.
connection to reality is disolving, i will go back to where i came from, i will. no worries people, i do still exist if for just now, but that does count right?
i suppose not. ~bang~ is what you would hear if i was just a bit more depressed. damn i fucking hate life, but do i.? i dont know, someone will have to let me know eventually, and that day will be soon, (i know its close)
does this stuff actually happen? am i really going through this? i think i fell asleep and never woke up and thats what happened to my relationship, i wish i could believe that, if it was true than all i would have to do is wake up and my life would be given back to me. please wake me up if im sleeping, i dont want to be there.
i hate all that is me. and at the same time, who could would should like somthing as twisted as this head i carry? i cant wish that apon anyone, please help me i dont want to die that hard inside, i dont want to be meaningless, i want to have a purpose, why is that? how did i end up this way? who did this to me? was it me? was it? did i do this? how? can i fix it? i doubt it... im doomed to being a useless skin waste for the rest of my quickly shortening life. |
|
|
| getting over her |
[May. 23rd, 2005|02:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | leaf blower | ] |
so i came to toronto to get away from kitchener,
when i got here i didnt stop partying, but for some reason i also didnt stop thinking about the one thing i was supposed to forget about, how do you forget somebody this important to you? when all you want is to have her in your arms and tell her you love her, how do you forget about her? i wish life was easy, i wish i had a memory problem, or somthing, life will go on..
gawd,. i love toronto, i dont even want to go back home, but i have to, i do have a life there, as well as all my stuff hehe, and i dont want to overstay my welcome.
im so glad i made the trip though, if i didnt i probably would have gone crazy, as usual, gawd i hate going crazy, it sucks, why cant people not go crazy?
i need to meet new people or ill just dwell on the past, the past, me dwelling, on the past. gaah,....
~sigh~ i miss her so much, but im not aloud to, its not right, i should hate her, i should completely hate her, if i dont hate her ill want her, and i cant want her, i need to hate her, i just dont know what to do, dont know what to do, dont know what..... i repeat myself to sleep.
i drank so much this past few days, i dont think i can get drunk anymore, but it was worth it, and one day i will find miss right, but until then. |
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|
| ah man.... |
[May. 19th, 2005|03:32 am] |
| [ | music |
| | midi keyboard attached to cowbell pressed at a 45bpm rate | ] |
crap... is this good or bad?
You are an enzyme. You are powerful, dark, variable, and can change many things at your whim...even when they're not supposed to be changed. Bad you. You can be dangerous or wonderful; it's your choice
Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
ill never know... though that does explain alot |
|
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| relapse |
[May. 19th, 2005|02:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | traffic | ] |
should i? would i? could i talk about what happened? is what im asking myself as i type, i should learn how to think then type, why do i just type what i think, bah....
so on to the story so everyone understands.
MY SIDE:
so my "girlfriend at the time" spunner_fluff gets a new night job, i think this is a good thing, YAY she got a job. but the problem is that before she got this job we spent every day together, now that she has this job we can only spend the weekend together, and a 20 minute phone call a day.
problem 2
when she comes over on the weekends, she spends most of the time sleeping, about 3 hours out of the weekend she spends awake and miserable with me.
REAL GOOD FOR THE EGO!
sooooo.... i tell her that there needs to be somthing changed. i.e. the sleeping thing..
she has a ton of excuses why its happening, so i give her all good ideas on how to fix said problem, she says ok shell do it,
pause
now this went on a few times, her wasting the weekend, the PRECIOUS weekend we have together SLEEPING!
i get really unhappy about this, so we talk about it, she gives a ton of excuses why its happening, so i give her the same ideas of what to do,
so she FINALLY starts doing some of this stuff, after we broke up and she begged for me to come back, so i said ok, well try again, but you have to actually try this time, so she says ok,
that weekend:
so she shows up at my house..... wait let me start over..
so she calls me up, from a friends house, 4 hours late, while talking to me on the phone she cant really give me a reason why shes late, or why she waited till now to call and say she was gonna be late.
so ive already forgotten about it, though its not a good first impression in the least.
UNTIL!!
i hear in the background a distinctive MALE voice, and what comes out of his mouth?
"is that your OVERPROTECTIVE boyfriend on the phone?" i ask her, what did he just say? she says i have to go, ill see you soon ~click~
im not very happy..
so she gets to my house, says *yawn* im so so tired, lets go upstairs and cuddle..
im a little shocked at this, it dosnt make much sence why she would think i would want to sleep at 3 in the afternoon, especially after the fight we just had and what it was about, so she gets me to watch a movie in my room with her, so i do,...
she passes out.
i wait till 2am because i want to make my point, and then wake her up, wait..
i wait till 1:30am and try to wake her up unsucessfully untill 2am.
shes very unhappy about the fact that shes waking up, but im not too concerned about that at the moment,
I WANT TO MAKE MY POINT!
so we go downstairs to the rec room where everyone is wide awake and socializing, i let her see that this has been going on for a while without her, and that everyone has been asking where she is.
after shes somewhat awake she says im hungry // (i knew she would say that) so i bring her upstairs to the kitchen and make her a grill cheese bun / sandwitch somthing or other with 2 slices of banana bread and wild cherry pepsi,
shes wide awake at this point
this is where i make my point
so i casually ask her, do you remember what we were fighting about a few days ago?
she than gets the picture and says absolutely nothing.
a little while later she wants to go home, dosnt want to discuss it at all, so i bring her back to her house,
so i spend some time there with her, she sleeps and i watch her brother, than when she wakes up shes gone back to work, and its back to the same week again.
so i decided to switch things up a bit, the past few days i was with her i stopped by her house for about 20 minutes instead of talking to her on the phone, i would try to see her but she wouldnt talk to me, instead she would just tell me to go away because shes sleeping.
FINE!
so the novelty of giving her a good morning kiss after an hour bus ride wares off.
i call her up, and tell her that we really need to work somthing out, she replies with ~i dont want to be having this discussion~ i reply with ~then please do somthing about it~ this conversation goes nowhere for a little while.. ~sigh~ and abruptly ends with ~your just going to have to accept me sleeping most of the time and working the rest of the time, if you dont like it then maybe im not the one for you, im starting to think your not for me either~ so i say thats it and throw in the towel,
what would you do in this situation?
HER SIDE:
youll have to ask her, because i just dont see it, she might have some sleeping problem, but it would be recent, and if so where did she inherit it? people make no sence... but one day!
i just need closure, i need to know where shes coming from to see if she even has a valid reason, but so far she hasnt been able to proove to me that im worth anything to her, so at this moment in life....
im done for now. |
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| gah... |
[May. 19th, 2005|12:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | fans..... (computer fans) | ] |
when is life gonna be fun again, i suck...
so today, i put on a hat, it was alright, also!
i went downtown, which ive been doing alot of recently, not quite sure why, i think its...
nah, im just not sure, but whatever.
so i had a girlfriend. ~sigh~ now im ok i guess, problem solved, or is it?
not too sure, maybe one day. FUCK IM STRAIGHTFOWARD!
whateverthefuck, who cares, highlight of my week next.
so my friend just got out of jail, i gave him his first meal since hes been out, it made me feel pretty good to be able to do that, you might know the feeling depending on the friends you have.... i guess... maybe.... who knows, who am i to say whateverthefuck about whateverthefuck., gah i cant speak, but who cares, your reading not hearing,
i like my keyboard, its white, with offwhite, like a grey, not like a beige, anyway, its wireless and comes with a wireless mouse, i like it! ~smile~
im just gonna stop typing ! |
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